Mommy's going potty

I love how motherhood, and more specifically being a stay-at-home-mom, brings meaning into my life. In particular, my bathroom trips. Before being a mom, I was just going through the motions. Now it's a chance to be alone for 90 seconds.

90 glorious seconds.

How they grow

It's strange to think that, one day, Nic will be this free-thinking independent, that he won't forever be my helpless little boy that only ever wants to be with me.

What a sobering thought.  Thanks, brain.

Buying Contraceptives

I'm married and everything, but for some reason buying condoms is one of the most awkward things I've ever had to do. If we're told to be "prepared" and "safe," then why are they put under glass right where everyone waiting in line to have their prescription filled can see you trying to decide between "Ultra Ribbed: For Her Pleasure" and "Sensations: Designed to Increase Her Stimulation"? (Hey, I'm the one picking them out.)

Every time I've had to run this mortifying errand, I've always tried to have a demure/uninterested air about me. Like I have to pretend like I'm someone who isn't at all bothered by the situation in which I find myself, and if someone were watching me (and if them watching me weren't criminally creepy), I'd like them to think that my inner monologue went as follows:

"La la laaa. Just shopping for some chapstick.  Always looking for some new lip balm, let's see what I haven't tried yet -- wait, what's over there?  I'm not really sure if I need any of those. I suppose I could get some, just to have them on hand. What kind should I get - naw, never mind.  What I really need is some more antiseptic throat spray. Should always have some in the ol' first aid kit. Don't want my throat to get all septic all of a sudden. Well, on second though, maybe I should just pick some up.  It's only what any responsible adult would have on hand. If I know anything about being sexually active, and I do because I'm a suave, hip, with-it, free-thinking female adult person, then these are perfectly fine to pick up and buy. Yep, just picking out a box of condoms. Nothing to see here. Laa tee daa dee dooo. Well, if I want to be really responsible, and I surely do, I should get the biggest box available. Not because I'll need them all at once or anything, because that would be ridiculous. Just want to have sex without getting pregnant, and be fiscally responsible at the same time. Yes. I feel good about this. I wish I could do this every day."

Instead of what I'm really thinking:

"I hate sex."

Breaking up with CenturyLink

We've had Qwest/CenturyLink for a couple of years now, since we got married in 2010, but we've decided to go with Comcast for the faster speeds and TV channels. So I had to cancel our CenturyLink service today, which I hated doing, because it felt like I was breaking up with them:

C= CenturyLink
F= Faith/me

C- Hi Faith, how's it going? What can I do for you?
F- Well, I'm calling because I wanted to break up with you.
C- Oh. Okay... Can I ask why?
F- Well, I've been unhappy with my relationship with you.  I haven't been getting the time and attention that you promised me, so I want to break up.
C- Okay. Alright then... Can I ask if you're going to start seeing someone else?
F- Actually, I've already started seeing Comcast. I would have broken up with you first, but he wanted to come over on a Sunday and I didn't want to call you until Monday.  It was kind of messy, and we're still getting settled with one another, but it happened, and I'm sticking with him.
C- You know he's going to be a jerk to you in 6 months, right? What if I can promise to be good to you for 12 months?
F- Look, I've already started dating him, and I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
C- Alright. Okay, well... thanks for calling. Have a nice day.

And now I feel all guilty. Though I wasn't happy with him, maybe I should have given him another chance?  Maybe he'll be the one that got away.

No. Probably not.

Helping Hand

If I had a 3rd hand or a prehensile tail, would I stop using my mouth to hold the odd object?

Thoughts of a pregnant lady

First Trimester

Week 7 

• Does this Ginger Ale thing really work?
• Mmm, cheese toast!
• It's amazing how I can drink so much, go to the bathroom so often, and still have so much color in my pee!

Week 9 

• Eew... nobody mention Ginger Ale.
• Sorry Jake... I usually like sloppy joes, but that just looks gross right now.

Week 10 

• Must - cook - dinner. But everything sounds - unappetizing.

Week 12 

• Sooo... I've pretty much only gained one pound so far. Then why is it all poking out like that?

Pretty much all trimester 

• Why did no one warn me that I would be so tired? I never feel like doing anything. And since when am I so durned cranky!?
• Wow.  I never feel like vomiting! Wait . . . nope. Nothing

Second Trimester

Week 14 

• Whoa!! I feel like cooking again! Where's my cookbook?

Week 15 

• See, bladder, it says right here in the book that I should be experiencing a decrease in frequency of urination. Decrease!
• Uhm, 4 pounds in 6 days? Really?

Week 17 

• Whoa... that might have been the baby! Or it was just gas. 

Week 18 

• Nope, definitely not gas!  

Ultrasound appointment

• Oops, I forgot I was supposed to come with a full bladder... "Sure, full as can be." Not much I can do about it now, anyway. 
• Hey, it's a boy!  Awww, isn't he cuuuuute!?
• Who knew they moved around so much?  Weird that I don't feel him more.  
• Really?  You wanted my bladder full, and now you're just going to have me empty it? What is the point?
• Gaa... more ultrasound goo. Four applications is definitely enough.

Week 19 

•  Oooo, cookies!  *nom nom nom nom* Don't look at me, I'm hideous! . . . *nom nom nom*

Week 20

• Now you listen to me, body.  If I'd known beforehand that you were going to eat a dozen gingersnaps in one sitting, I would not have made them!

Week 21

• We meet at last, pregnant lady waddle.  My, how you sneak up on a person.
• Sorry, Jake.  Business hours are over.  I don't even have one of those "Be back in 5 minutes" signs - looks like there's no way of knowing. 

Week 22

• Heartbuuuuuurn!!
• Ha! Wow, it's like he's doing kick boxing in there.

Week 23

• My hair is so silky soft...
• Bladder - please wait until there's more than 2 Tablespoons before telling me to go to the bathroom.

Week 24

• My heartburn keeps waking me up in the middle of the night.  Now I have to prop myself up with pillows like an old person to keep all that unwelcome acid in its place.  I feel like I'm sleeping in a dentist's chair.

- April, 2012- Wow.  Who knew that just days after this last update, I would go into preterm labor and have the baby at 24 5/7 weeks. Life...

Horror Mirrors

So, logically, the mirrors in my bathroom should make me feel even MORE secure because they allow me to see more of the room at the same time.

BUT- stupid scary movies have established that mirrors, especially bathroom mirrors, and especially when you're a girl, are only there to show you an intruder or other unspeakable evil that is just waiting for you to look in them.